Bad Attitude

Have you ever found yourself sounding like that professor in college that you rolled your eyes at constantly? YEAH. That's been me this week. I decided to try and quit smoking again. In the three days I actually made it (yeah, I blew it on day 4), I turned into an absolute monster. I completely lost it on one of my classes. I don't have that unreasonable of expectations - come to class, be on time and be prepared. It's what they expect of me, therefore I expect the same from them. I didn't manage to get that point across to carefully though when I basically told them they were all acting like disrespectful 5 year olds and if they couldn't handle the responsibility of being a student they could pack up their books and go home for the day. YIKES. Not the best way to handle things and I still feel guilty about it. The worst part is that the students that really needed the lecture weren't there, as usual, thus the students that do come regularly and are prepared caught the brunt of my frustrations. There will be an apolgy on Tuesday. Part of it I will blame on agitation from nicotine withdrawals, the rest I will blame on my frustration in general.

I think I may have blurred the line a little much between the "cool laid back teacher who cares" and "teacher you can take complete advantage of". It's a very fine line to walk. I am understanding, I do get it that they all have full time jobs and support their families. It's not like I haven't been there. I've had two or three jobs for as long as I can remember, and I managed to get through school ok. Yes, I skipped a few classes (ok, maybe more than a few), but I managed to get the work done still. I hear the excuses I get from my students and hear echoes of my own words from not so long ago. I now understand how lame and unoriginal it all sounded. Blah blah blah... I want to be supportive and open, but at the same time, I know the bullshit game and it doesn't fly very well when the shoe is on the other foot.

God, I never thought I'd hear myself say that. It's like waking up one morning and realizing everything your parents ever told you was right, and that you foolishly tried to prove them wrong. (Mom, Dad, I'm sorry - go ahead, give me an "I told you so.")